'I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.'
GEORGE CARLIN
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1
My name's Chaz, but my family call me Charlie.
My friends know me as Charles.
To you, I'm Mr.Humphries.
Just so long as we know, so we can step off on the right foot and all that...
...
Charlie's a twat really- a bit of an idiot.
He comes round here sometimes, acting as if he's doling out advice and setting the world to rights,
but I can't help but get the impression that he's actually kind of rehearsing his lines, trying them on for size.
He's really saying all this stuff for his own benefit, trying to influence and push and cajole himself.
Does any of it work?
Judging by the evidence, I'd have to say no!
...
It's been five years since Charles had the accident.
In some ways, I think that was his defining moment- or at least the reference point for everything that came before, or has come since.
Mrs.Lassiter claims she woke up that morning knowing that something was going to happen to Charles.
I asked her why- if that had been the case- she didn't mention anything to him, forewarn him.
According to her, fate is fate, destiny is destiny, and this cannot be moved or adjusted (or avoided), even by a whisker's width.
Informing Charles of his impending fate would have done nothing to change things, and only would have caused him distress or confusion, according to Mrs.Lassiter.
I'm not sure what to make of it.
I do know, however, what Charles would say...!
...
'Ah Mr.Humphries, how very, very nice to meet you!
Would you like something- a refreshment, maybe?
No? Jolly good.
I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?!
A book, you say?
No, I don't remember seeing one about here this morning, but I'll ask my secretary.
If you'll excuse me a second, I'll see if I can find her right now...'
---
2
Troy Bravo took to the stage with the usual arrogance, self-regard and sheer enthusiasm that had made him famous and a multi-millionaire before the age of 23.
The pathetic waiting audience looked on, with anticipation and shaky self-worth, with the need to believe (in whatever that might happen to be).
'Who wants to change?!' screams the annoying attention seeker on the stage.
'We do!' the crowd screams back.
'Are you ready to succeed?!'
'Yes!'
'What are you all here for today?!'
This throws the audience a bit, as the answer they feel would be expected of them is not so obvious.
This is exactly what Troy wanted, and he jumps on this to proclaim, smugly.
'If you don't know why you're here, I certainly can't help you!'
He scans the audience, in mocking benevolence.
'Maybe if you did know what you wanted, it'd be you up here on stage, instead of paying $2000 just to listen to me talk about myself?!'
This set him off into fits of laughter.
There was some half-hearted clapping, and at least one 'Yes!' from the audience.
'What you need.....' continued Troy, now worked up and in full flow, '...is to think for yourselves.
And now I'm gonna tell you how to do that.'
In their seats, people looked relieved.
They were back on safer ground.
---
3
If ever a prize were to be given out (which is unlikely) for the worst ever private detective,
you would have to think that Chaz Humphries would be on the shortlist.
Inept, incompetent, distracted, lazy, disinterested- these were just a few of the many adjectives that, if thrown, would no doubt stick on the already rather stained suit Chaz unfailingly wore (even to bed).
Of course, Chaz would never have admitted- especially not to himself- that he was effectively useless.
He didn't believe in that word, Troy Bravo had taught him that.
You had to believe in yourself, no matter the evidence.
Chaz would get out of bed every morning (in his suit) all pumped up.
This emotional charge would fuel him through breakfast, he'd ride the bus to work full of manic energy.
By lunchtime, he'd feel drained and empty.
He was beginning to think what he needed was another seminar.
But where would he get the $2000?
---
4
Troy was rolling in money.
Literally.
He was in his bedroom, rolling about in the several inches of notes that made up the haul from his latest scaminar.
If there was one thing he was successful at, it was being a success!
And damn, he loved himself for it.
Essentially, that was what he sold- his self love.
Crowds of people with low self-worth would pack into his courses to bathe in the glow of that man's ego.
Some of them did this in the hope that some of the magic would rub off on them, but most of them went just for the pure show, the theatre of it all!
Troy was a hero, an idol for those who preferred to view success from a far.
One could live their dreams vicariously through the man, marvel at how he had made so much from so little.
And as long as they kept on paying, and loving him, Troy was as happy as a pig in shit!
---
5
I was destined for great things........I mean, I am.
Probably.
I hope so!
Troy tells us we all are, just as long as we believe in it enough, and commit and hold in there.
Of course, not everyone who goes to his events or buys his products reaches their goals,
but that just means they need more of Troy.
You can never get enough of Troy...
Everyone I know thinks I'm crazy, obsessed, wasting my time,
but what do they know?!
Everyone's going to have haters, that's what Troy tells us.
It doesn't matter if people are hating you, as long as they're noticing you.
If you're irritating people, or if they're laughing at you, it just shows that you're getting somewhere, are on the right track.
Which is good, coz I irritate a lot of people, and I'm always getting laughed at.
...
The accident changed my life.
As Troy says, all change is good change.
It's just a matter of how you look at it.
Losers judge, winners budge!
God, how I love that guy!
He really gets me fired up.
I've decided, I'm going to borrow some money from my mother's retirement fund (I hope she doesn't find out!).
I'm going on Troy's Superstar Deluxe Amazingness Program, guaranteed to launch a new life for those that believe hard enough.
I certainly believe, now I just need to do that damn course and I'll be able to make a success of myself!
I can hardly wait...
---
6
He claims he left a book here in my office the other day.
I've looked everywhere, as has my secretary and there's nothing here.
No-one else comes in here, not even a cleaner, so I'm sure there must be some kind of mistake.
This Mr.Humphries is quite distraught, manic one could say.
He's told me he'll find out where I live and burn my house down, if I don't return his book.
He says the secret to his dreams, the key to the life he deserves is contained within its pages.
He talks about some Troy......must be a book about the Ancient Greeks.
But I can't see how that would help him...
---
7
The course was incredible!
I never realised before how great we all are.
We just need to be more like Troy, and the world is not just our oyster, but our precious, shiny pearl!
I want more!
I've actually decided I'm going to stop being Chaz- I'm going to be Troy.
I've started talking like him, walking like him, dressing like him.
I've found out his hobbies, his favourite foods, his musical tastes.
I honestly think I've known all along that I was the real Troy.
So who is that imposter on the stage?!
---
8
I've been getting phonecalls from some guy who says he's going to kill me.
He claims to be me, says I'm living in his house, fucking his beautiful model wife and spending his money.
The guy's a wacko!
I mean, I can obviously understand why someone would want to be me, and I'm sure many do-
but I have to say, laddie-o, that there's only space for one of me, at the 'I'm great' table.
He can try to kill me, if he likes.
I'm in shape, I work out.
I know how to manage conflicts, I'll talk him down, NLP him, hypnotise him.
Who knows, I may even be able to spin the story out and make a few bucks from it.
If not, I'll just put my lawyers onto him...
---
9
I've finally found the book, anyway.
How it got there, I'll never know.
It's almost as if Mr.Humphries must have hidden it there on purpose.
But why would he do a thing like that?!
The book, which I've read and is rubbish,
is called 'How To Be Amazing Like Me!'.
I now understand the Troy reference he kept making; Troy Bravo is the name of the author.
The same guy who's been on all those TV shows, the guy who's admitted his coke and drinking problem, his debts, his embezzlement, the failure of his marriage in light of his addiction to blowing strangers in toilets.
Seems he's got quite a story.
I'm sure if he released a book about it, it would be a bestseller!
10
The accident was the end of Charlie, literally.
I mean, he's still alive, but it's like there's no-one there.
He has to be wheeled around, spoon fed, and he only answers to the name 'Troy'.
It's such a shame, I really think things could have gone so differently.
All he had to do was believe in himself a bit more....
